Sunday, May 17

old files: project white


Something that i hold so dearly to my heart is the project white.
i think i was sixteen years then, full of so much hate for something i knew nothing about. Angry at myself and everybody and nobody in particular, filled with mixed emotions, never trusting a single soul, building my facade, smiling and lying that everything was alright when it wasn't but i kept thinking to myself, if i close my eyes just a little while longer someday it won't hurt.
At sixteen, i was a loner, i still am, the only difference is that now i have people i call friends
At sixteen, i was still trying to fit in
At sixteen, i believed i was overweight
At sixteen, i knew too much for a sixteen year old
At sixteen, i was too quiet for a teenage girl with just a year to finish high school

And alas, it was on one of those rainy days, sitting on the chair right in front of my little reading table with all my school books neatly arranged on it, a James Hadley Chase lying on the table, my assignments completed and packed in my school bag, my lunch untouched, and my attention outside the window.
I can't recall how it started but suddenly there i was, thinking to my self that i needed to burn out all the negative energy i had so i sat down and wrote a list of 10 do's and dont's

* thou shall not hate
*thou shall not envy
* thou shall stop being sarcastic
*thou shall mean everything you say
*thou shall comment positively
*when u cant think of anything positive to say, thou shall keep thy mouth shut
*thou shall smile more
*thou shall build a stronger relationship with your family
*thou shall stop reading books about serial killers
*thou shall look for the brighter side of everything/good side of every being

And i promised myself i was gonna abide by all my self made rules
and i did. Oh well except for sarcasm, i mean what was i even thinking when i wrote that, being sarcastic is like food to my soul... and oh yeah the books about serial killers, yeah oh well... um okay yeah i did cut down the amount of sex and violence i read about, to resume 3 weeks later.
i became a better person over the years. it wasn't easy, i must admit that at a particular point in my life i forced myself not to find anything funny so its weird now that people describe me as funny... i like it anyway
because before project white i put the Grey in rainbows.

Looking back at everything now
i know just enough for someone my age
i like the reflection i see in the mirror
on the whole, i am so content with the life i am living
and for some reason when i am alone, i think of that little sixteen year old, with the shy smile, a mad craze for books and i wonder if she was someone i knew, someone i met on a long bus ride, someone that almost didn't exist, someone that exists only in my diary.
And i miss her, i wonder how her teenage years would have been if she hadn't experienced all that, if she was in a different place, if she saw herself through my eyes, or the eyes of the people around her.

but that is a different story
i dont know if you know how it feels to wake up after sleeping for two days, a dreamless, drug less stupor. And u wake up not feeling your fingers, feeling so light and i must say at this point that i don't do alcohol. so why do i feel like i have a hangover? (however that feels)
i get up, walk to the washroom, look at the mirror, blink, turn on the water, splash cold water on my face, look up again and shes still there, the sixteen year old, staring back at me, unsmiling
urgh
not again!
its on one of these days, earthlings refer to me as me as moody me on one of my numerous mood swings
when everything reminds me of years past
when i remember not to trust
when i talk with caution
and am afraid to listen to you, because i just might start to believe all i hear
and i might start breaking things - again
something my project white cured years ago
but like drugs
bad habits die hard
and like anorexia, u never feel the same even when the theraphy is over
so pardon me, if i smile and it doesn't reach my eyes
my double personality disorder
rears its ugly head up in the most unexpected places

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