Friday, December 10

My Proposal

Sunday evening
The man of my dreams just asked me to marry him
I have fantasized about this since i discovered Harlequin romance - no scratch that, somewhere in between Disney movies.
It was supposed to be like this. 
I never wanted the whole extravagant, ballroom set, decorations up, orchestra playing in the background-kinda proposal
In fact it bordered very close to stupidity as far as i was concerned
I wanted something private, very intimate
Probably my birthday, at my favourite restaurant. Right after dessert 
My very own Prince Charming looks at me, and with all the love he can muster at the marvelous sight in front of him, goes down on one knee and surprises me by saying
’will you marry me’’
But here i was, at 11:59pm, this fateful Sunday evening, in the living room of the 3 bedroom apartment i share with my two best friends
I was wearing a white knee length house-robe over my pink La senza nightie, hair loosely held back with a black scrunchy in my oversized but sinfully confortable brown moc slippers – with a shocked expression on my face
He said ‘’Lets just do it’’
Not much of a proposal there
Not the way i had dreamed . Yet It felt so unreal, i felt the room spinning around me. I held on to the doorknob for support, took a deep breathe, turned around and looked at the hunk of gorgeousness before me. Kamal. My Kamal
“Zaara, lets just do it’’

Okay Rewind to 10 minutes before now
I paused the episode of Modern Family to pick up my phone
9ice and Psquare All the way
It was Kamal. Weird because i spent the whole day at his place, he never mentioned coming over
he wasn’t supposed to be here until tomorrow
‘’helloooow kamaaal na, yane?’’ i always emphasized on the maaal part
‘’Lafiya lau Zee, where you at?”
I could hear Oleku Iceprince ft Brymo playing in the background, i could swear that was the song playing in his car when he dropped me at my place 2 hours ago. He sounded like Hershey's: chocolatey  husky  and sexy. I giggled
I could talk to this man on the phone forever
’Im at home wallahi’’ i took another scoop of the Ben and Jerry’s  caramel delight i had in front of me.
I really should stop this late night indulgence, its becoming a habit. And it all ends up in my ass. Not a good look
‘’Im in front of your house – let me in’’
‘’Whaat?’’ I almost coughed out the last mouthful of ice cream i had in my mouth standing up and dropping the remote and my music player to the floor as i did. I didn’t pick them up, i ran to the window and peeked. Yup. There he was
Wearing  a  brown turtleneck polo sweater and black pants. His blackberry pressed against his ears. He smiled when he saw me peeking through the drapes. My heart did a somersault as i said ‘’okay one minute’’ and hung up
I pulled the drapes,  checked my reflection on the mirror app on my phone, aargh i look like a mess
Thank God for the soft lightening in the living room
I looked at the clock. 11:50pm
Hmm... 'My mama said' bells started ringing in my head
What is this man doing in my house at midnight?
Okay. Confession
I wasn’t completely honest in the first paragraph

          When i said ‘my Kamal’
Okay really, its like this
Phew. God, explaining this will be hard
Okay technically
Kamal isn’t mine. He is not my boyfriend – he is actually my friend.
Did i like him?
Hell Yes. Since the first time i saw him. At  a Hospitality conference at the Chateau Frantnec in Montreal
It was during the refreshment break, i was having a conversation with an old employer Gus, when this absolutely good looking brother came over to say hi to him, and Gus introduced us and fortunately or unfortunately (now thinking in retrospect) saw a couple and left us. 
During our 20 minute conversation, i had a polite smile plastered to my face and intermittently glanced around casually surveying the rest of the meeting room acting totally uninterested at the 6 feet man that stood 4 feet away from me. 
But my oh my. Never in my life have i ever seen a man who actually made me take a second glance. And a third.
                He had this aura of self confidence that just made him look even better he did at first glance
We spoke on a vast range of things, The weather, The meeting, Gus, Politics, The Sheraton's much publicized merge with The Four seasons...
His voice was deep and brooding,  with a baritone that made the words glide in such an effortless and intelligent way,.
Never underestimate the power of meaningful face to face interactions.
Did he like me? Well...
Of course he did. What were the odds of meeting someone you had so much in common with
One German parent and one Nigerian Parent
Both of us haven’t been to Nigeria in the last 10 years, we both worked for as Accountants for Canadian Hotels. He worked at The Westway and i worked at the Marriott . Both of us have been in Ottawa since 2006
Well not everyday
                 Kamal and I became the best of friends over the summer - couldn't believe we hadn't run into each other in our own city until we were in another and we found out we had more than just Hausa, German and French in common
We actually went to the same primary school in Kaduna, Turkish International, well he graduated before me.
We were both allergic to sea food, had quit smoking two years before and we were both left handed
We both own complete seasons of The Cosby show and he even watched Def jam poetry!
So how could he not love me? Right?
Well Kamal was in a live in relationship with someone he really loved, someone i met about 3 months after our initial meeting.
3 months after 1st our meeting
            I could swear that Kamal had double personality problems
Sometimes when i was in the middle of telling him something really important, he'd be lost in thought
Sometimes i could swear he wanted to ask me something very important, or tell me something really important
but he always changed his mind right before he opened his mouth
Finally he got the courage to tell me
No to ask me
We were at the Coliseum movie theater,  it was a cold day in December
We had just watched Avatar, i was still going on about how i wanted to go to Pandora... and predicting that Avatar was going to be the Oscar movie that year. He was helping me into my Jacket. He seemed lost in thought.
Then all of a sudden he said
''I have something to show you'' I adjusted my veil and looked up at him, He looked serious
''What?" I asked, i was getting uncomfortably suspicious. He pulled out his phone and started scrolling through
And my wild thoughts scrolled through my mind
Oh my God. 
He is married
He has a kid
He's an unmarried father
Calm down Calm down Zaara. Be positive
Maybe he just wants to show you, a picture of a ring
Err... maybe not
its too early for that
we are not even going out
I mean, he hasnt asked you out, or anything. You guys just spend all your free time together. He is always at your place all weekends, you watch movies together. He takes you grocery shopping. You have a box of old items in his basement cos you dont have space at your place....
You call him everyday. He calls you everyday
That doesnt mean you guys are a couple
Maybe... he's gonna ask you out
Or maybe not
"This'' He said. He handed me his phone
It was a picture
Of a guy
Oh my God. He has a child!
A boy
But wait, his child is white?
His child was shirtless, and he had a hairy chest
Wait a  minute. This is no child. This is a Man
A man in his early 30s
One fine looking blond, Blue eyes, nice abs, greater smile
Was Kamal trying to hook me up with someone what the hell?
Infact i should slap....
''That. is Martin my boyfriend. He wants to meet you''

Back at Chestnut Drive. Apartment 2506, Later that day
''i still cannot believe this'' Grace, my close friend and house mate. She has been looking at me the past hour like she was expecting me to burst in flames and turn to ashes "Pomaa did you ever, even by mistake suspect that Kamal was gay''
''At all'' Pomaa answerd. Pomaa and I went to the University together ''remember when we used to say you were very lucky , he had eyes for only you...''
''...i know ehn. we were even calling him perfect gentleman cos she was like he never tried any move on her'' Grace completed the statement for her
Exactly. I was still wearing what i wore to the movie, sitting on the sofa with my two best friends.
The smell of kenke and shitoh filled the room, they were about having dinner, when i came in. The food lay unattended before us
''Oh my God, Zee and you broke up with Sadeeq because of this guy!'' Pomaa said, as if she was reading my thoughts
"It wasn't because of Kamal, you this Pomaa sef, as if you didnt know they were having problems even before Kamal came into the picture'' Grace answered angrily
They started arguing and stating facts. I was not paying attention
I was on another realm entirely
Sadeeq. I didn't even want to think of that. I threw a relationship of 3 years away simply because i didn't want to be 'tied down'
In other words, i didn't want to be the cheating partner, i wanted everything between me and Kamal to start with honesty
Given me and Sadeeq had our problems. 
Cheat on me once, shame on you. Cheat twice, shame on me
I had to end it
And honestly, as soon as Kamal and I started spending time together, Everyone just seemed... irrelevant
So indirectly it was because of him
Oh ya salaam!
Zarah Kabir! Na you be this?

 If you think the series of unfortunate events you just read made me delete Kamal from my life,
 you thought wrong. I dont know how it happened but we became closer friends. 
Maybe it was because Kamal was totally oblivious of the fact that he had broken my heart.  He did not have the slightest idea that i actually felt something for him.
It surprised me. How could he not know that i liked him. Well apparently gay guys dont notice it when girls throw these subtle hints, not that i was much of a hint thrower myself. 
                 The first time i met Martin was at a dinner party me and Pomaa were having for Grace, right after New year, they had just come back from a romantic weekend get away in New-York. 
Apparently Kamal had told him so much about me, how i was like the sister he never had, how he is himself around me. Ha! if only he knew. In the beginning i wasn't exactly honest when i said, 'nice to meet you' Hell i disliked him, he looked like someone Straight out of a Calvin Klein ad. The picture did him no justice, He was like Greek god, if there were blond ones. And such a gentleman. 
For the first time in my life 
I understood defeat
There was no competing here. 
Envy was new to me, and i was slowly embracing it. It was an ugly feeling. I have never wanted something i couldn't have. Never. Things fell in place for me, Always. Except this one time
Me and Martin finally got to talk, He was so open, and really funny. He was really excited about meeting someone from Kamals side, everyone in his family knew Kamal and they liked him
So that was how Kamal saw me - Family. Great! This is worse than heartbreak
I can't really tell when my walls of anger and envy started falling down, but they did. Gradually 
Martin and Kamal became regular faces around our place.
They were opposite of all the stereotypes about gay couples, they acted more like buddies around us.
What baffled Grace and Pomaa was the fact that me and Martin clicked like peanut butter and Jelly. 
Which was why his death was a big blow to me


       Kamal. How do i even start. In simple english Kamal was not en-route to recovery. He was not even trying to
We all tried to be there for him. But i knew Kamal well enough to know that he wasn't going to get over the love of his life like that, especially since he blamed himself for driving the car that took Martin's life.
It was a very ugly accident      
Martin died on the spot Kamal escaped with multiple fractures and a ruptured spleen. It was a terrible period
His parents came to North America to see him
That was when Kamal asked me for a favor
He needed me to lie along with him, he told his parents i was his girlfriend

"What?! Kamal how could you? i can't lie to your parents haba'' I was shocked
He winced, maybe from my words, or the pain that went through his body as he tried to sit up
I think it was both.
I moved closer to help him sit up, placing the pillows behind him. I felt a migraine creeping in
''Zee, please, i beg you,  they will only be around for a few days...'' He winced with every word. It hurt to see him like this
''Kamal but why should we lie? You can just say i'm your friend, we are like family now...''
''Zee, they have been asking me about my fiancee for a while now, sometime back i told them they would meet her whenever they came over... ''
''Kai ina, No way, Kamal i have a bad feeling about this. Kamal just tell them the truth'' I stopped
He shot me a dark look, bowed his head and sighed. What was even thinking? I asked myself, was i even thinking at all. How could i even suggest that he come clean to his parents. 
God forbid! that would send his mom to her grave.
Suddenly my whole outlook/bother line nonchalance acceptance to gay and lesbian relationships seemed like something from my previous life
Reality was here. Knocking at our door
Kamal's parents were coming in a few hours.
They were bringing all that we know with them, all that we've been brought up with. Tradition. Religion. Culture. A reminder
A Knowing
Gay relationships are not even acknowledged talk more about accepted
That's an ultimate death sentence. A big disgrace to the family. 
An unspeakable shame
How could we forget? When did we forget? 
Living a lie. Literally. Accepting it. Embracing it
It was a whole hour before any of us spoke again
"Zee who else can do this for me? No one except you''
No one


A week after Kamal was discharged from the hospital, his parents  were returning to Nigeria
It was the most unsettled period of my life.
Ladies, want to lose weight fast? Skip the gym, throw out the pills. 
Try living a lie
Like literally breathing lies. speaking in lies. Smiling a lie. Laughing a lie
It started with removing Martins pictures from their shared apartment. It was stress. Everyone thought i lost so much weight because of the whole incident
It was solely because i was lying to two loving people who took me like their daughter
They ended all their sentences with a prayer and  a blessing
God i was bleeding inside. 
Somehow without words, Kamal understood the torture i was going through. As soon as we were left alone. He'd start telling me it was almost over. 
I almost broke down when we took them to the airport
The prayers never ended, The wedding plans started getting mentioned.
The plan was that Kamal was going to call his parents a few weeks after they got to Nigeria to tell them that we had broken up due to some irreconcilable differences
Lie upon lie
We told more lies to keep up with the last. 
Conveniently skipping the truth.
Not once was Martins name mentioned.


Kamal went to Nigeria for the first time in 10 years that summer. 
For some reason he had postponed the 'breakup phonecall' to his mum
I just needed him to hurry up and lift the weight from my shoulders
He felt it was going to be better if he told them in person and since he was going for his younger sister's wedding
this was the right time. 
When Kamal came back, we had a little welcome back party for him. 
I left a little early, told everyone at the party it was the end of the hotel season and i had accounts to close, which were due the following week
Honestly i just needed to get away
I had episodes of Modern Family i wanted to catch up on
Not to mention my insatiable icecream craving

''What are you talking about Kamal?"  I was surprised at how calm my voice sounded
I was a wreck of a billion nerves standing infront of him
2010 is my year of Shockers. 
I leaned back against the door, He came closer and took my hand in his
''Think about it this way, all we told my parents wouldn't be a lie. You've always talked about how marriage should be based more on Friendship than love. Zee, you are my best friend, we don't have secrets, We can really make this work'' He looked so happy, like he had just found the cure for breast cancer
I took my hands away from his. Okay this guy is going mad, I glanced at my phone. 911 is on my speed dial number 2
'' it still doesn't change anything'' I gave him a knowing look
He looked at me puzzled, as if he was asking what i was talking about
''You are gay, how can we get married? Just listen to yourself"
''Zee, Pomaa told me - she told  me everything'' He was not joking
Pomaa! way to go girl, way to go
''She what? look Kamal, that was a long time ago, before i knew about you and Martin, besides what makes you think i want to spend the rest of my life with a gay guy anyway?!''
He went pale
His face went through a few transformations. Shock. Hurt. Anger. Disappointment
Umm... Okay maybe i shouldn't have said the last part
Or maybe it needed to be said
I was suddenly scared. He looked like a stranger. I have never seen this side of Kamal. I put my hands on my chest. 
He walked to the door
He stopped
My heart was thumping
 He opened the door, and walked out
The door closed with a bang
without thinking, i rushed to it and locked it

I looked at the clock
I am not sure about a few things that happened this year 
but i am sure of this one
I just lost a friend. Forever

''Same-sex sexual activity in Nigeria is illegal according to Chapter 21, Articles 214 and 217 of the Nigerian penal code and can be punished by imprisonment of up to 14 years throughout Nigeria

Truth is the number of Homosexuals in Nigeria is on the increase, irrespective of age, tribe or marital status

Public hostility to homosexual relations is widespread. Very few gays are out.

A lot of Homosexual men in Nigeria and abroad still go into heterosexual relationships and start families''
Culled from wiki

Yes oh. I don't care what you feel, hear or conclude, based on my tweets or just the story
This is a complete work of fiction!!!
I didnt want 2010 to end without posting another blogpost. So i made this up

In just a day :) 
Tell me what you think guys!!

Sunday, September 26


So, after classes and work the other day
Innovative miss Jae had a message for me
To cut the long story short
She has an idea. Nigeria #giveme50

The INTIATIVE... very simple. A campaign geared towards mobilizing Nigerians both at home and in diaspora to speak up on changes we would like to see in the near future

I want to come back home - 
Join the movement.. via 

Follow on twitter @naijagiveme50

Monday, July 12

From Korea with love

Whoever knows me knows that among the many many random things i do, i enjoy watching korean music videos. Yes you heard right. K.o.r.e.a.n.

...with translations of course, plus theres a little bit of english here and there.
And of course Korean movies, yes movies (they have very good ones, infact a lot of hollywood movies ARE adaptations of Korean movies, not the other way round!)
One movie i liked was A frozen flower.

Frozen Flower is the first movie with a homosexual couple i actually watched to the end (or third - depending on what you call couple) - and it was nice. I mean, i actually enjoyed it.
on  totally different issues
  • I watched Checkmate, the ghanaian movie,  from the producers of perfect picture. Its a nice movie too
  • And i have myself in too deep with poetry.
Okay! So back to todays post
I'm just gonna do a mini- review of the movie for bloggers who havent seen it and for bloggers who dont watch korean stuff :)

So the movie opens with the King of Seung Ri in training with a young soilder who would be his chief- of - command, right hand man, personal assistant and all that. They take the same war training classes, music glasses and they become really close friends
They grow up to become two dashing young men with the same hobbies, likes amd all but..
The King has feelings for his bodyguard (and for some reason most people know about this and no one really cares)

The only way for the King to be able to protect his throne is if he has a son through his wife, the Queen. (who knows her husband is having an affair with his bodyguard)

And the king doesnt care, he respects her as his wife the queen, but thats it. His everything is Hong Lim, who is the most loyal of all the guards in the kingdom

As the threats to the kings throne arose, he is forced to send Hong Lim (the bodyguard) to get his wife pregnant *Gasp* *Shocked face*
Of course his bodyguard/lover refused. (out of love... blush blush butterfly eyes)
But needless to say, the king convinced him. And his Queen (Yeah he is a Man, a king, not a girl...)
And the deed was done. More than once actually
Unfortunately for the King, The queen had fallen in love with the bodyguard and the bodyguard too was confused (Yeah the road to being straight is a long and confusing one people... LOL)
So there came all the telltale signs of a cheat
Creeping out late (FACT: Male cheats are the same, Gay or straight - ha! who would have guessed!)
Never ending lies
And sneeking around... to see the queen of course
Unanswered phonecalls (Ok i added that last bit - my bad, i get carried away sometimes)
They started meeting secretly at midnight in the library.

and of course the lies continued....
Their love is so strong that it even led Hong Lim to not follow the King's orders. The King begins to have suspicions of Hong Lim's infidelity.
After a while, The bodyguard gets guilty and asks the Queen to stay away from him, after which he goes to the King to beg for forgiveness.

Meanwhile, the Queen attempts to kill herself by slitting her wrists but fails. (Girls and blades? WTF?)
The King forgives him after the bodyguard (Hong Lim) says his involvement with the Queen was purely lust.

He decides to overlook everything that had happened and he forgave him, however he decided it was best to send Hong Lim away for a while to have him cool his mind, but they were back to normal, the two lovers (doing things that lovers do, the king didnt notice, but i cant be fooled. Oh yes. i saw the bodyguards loss of interest - yes i did)
However, the night before Hong Lim's departure *drumrolls*

 the Queen's personal maid secretly informs him that the Queen wishes to meet him for one last time.

She also bears news that the Queen has finally conceived
So that night Hong Lim sneaks out of the King's bedside to meet the Queen in the.... *Lightning*

yes you guessed right! the usual meeting place. The library.

They end up making love in the library, and the King catches them in act. The two lovers attempt to save the other by begging the King to "kill me instead," and his bodyguard admits that he's in love with the queen. *THUNDER*

 In a fit of jealousy, he ordered his guards to have Hong Lim castrated

What happens after this
Was he really castrated? Oh yes... bloody yes!

Did he die?
No, but he wanted to

Did, the queen die, Did she lose the baby? Did true love prevail? Did the King avenge for his *cough* cut weenie? Well maybe you really should watch Frozen flower. Its on Youtube and its subtitled
I could just type out the end, but i really wouldnt do justice to this beautifully tragic movie

Hows everyones week going. Mines pretty fun
Congrats to Spain on winning the WC
Oh my God. That octopus!! still cant believe it
I mean, how could it predict? anyways...

Current Listen: Taeyang - Wedding dress

Much love darlings!
Its me, Sweetness

If i were a boy

I think i cud understand

(this has nothing tod do with the pic)
Posted by Picasa

Monday, May 17

 Washroom basins from a private gentlemen club
just thought i'd share
Hey blogsville! its been a while (again) I have been busy with work, my exams were alright. Summer holiday is going on just fine, we are just patiently waiting for the sun to come out, so we can have summer fun
Life has been good, generally, as usual i have been stalking blogs and tweeting during all my free time
Lets see, what has changed since the last time i blogged
Thinking aloud

You could be the lover, I'll be the fighter babe
If I'm the blunt, You could be the lighter babe
Fire it up!
Writer babe
You could be the quote
If I'm the lyric baby
You could be the note
Record that!
Saint, I'm a sinner. Prize, I'm a winner
And it's you
What can I do to deserve that
Paper babe, I'll be the pen
Say that I'm the one
Cause you are ten

Even when the sky comes fallin
Even when the sun don't shine
I got faith in you and I
So put your pretty lil hand in mine
Even when were down to the wire babe Even when it's do or die
We can do it babe simple and plain
Cause this love is a sure thing

Thats Miguel Jontel - sure thing

Saturday, April 17

Spread the message, spread the love

 MTV Staying Alive: Ignite launched an innovative campaign to fight HIV/AIDS in developing countries.  Kenya’s show ‘Shuga‘, designed to teach people the consequences of different types of behaviors recently launched and it speaks in the language of the local youth.

Scroll down to the music player and press pause, so you can enjoy this short movie

Shuga Episode 1 from mtv staying alive on Vimeo.

Shuga Episode 2 from mtv staying alive on Vimeo.

Shuga Episode 3 from mtv staying alive on Vimeo.

Great performance, wonderful stories
Spread the Message. Not the Virus
Know Status Get Tested
Staying safe is as easy as ABC
A= Abstinence
B= Be Faithful
C= Condoms

Credits : Fashion Junkii, Jamatiiorg

Tuesday, April 6

Dear Diary

 Dear Diary
I was a good person today, I did not do anything i wasnt supposed to
I went to work on time
And did not over stay my lunch break
I even poured out old coffee from the coffee maker and started a new one
I did not walk fast around the C-lab, i didnt even talk in the library
I did not pretend not to see some people
I even stopped to say hi
And asked them how they were doing, and i really wanted to know
I completed my assignments myself
I did not copy or paste from anywhere, i did not even have google open
I called a friend whos birthday was today
I did not insult anyone
And i laughed even when my friends started mimicking me, during dinner today
I hope i will snap out of this nice person syndrome
It doesnt even work for me LOL

that black and white pic there
A naked girl, and its not even indecent
I am moving out of this relation Ship we called a home, love cannot stay here anymore, heard about the two lovers you brought onboard, jealously and deceit.

I want to be a woman who is wealthy with patience because without patience
knowledge is unattainable
without patience, temptations will make you unfaithful
but seriously, ur bullshit, i cannot swallow, am to busy for that

For the kinda woman i am, i want a certain kind of man
A  man who understands that love should cost just love
who regards me as his bright sunshine
And he'll be my dark knight

The Reason am blogging today
 yes her :-)
Her name is Maryam
And i LOVE her!
I lovingly call her DrAuntyMaryam 
Sense of humour: Blog worthy 
Talent: Speaks for itself 
 She has a photoblog you all need to check out
And shes on blogsville too 

You can check her photography on
and her blog

 My real life crush was updated last night!
lets hope it lasts till tomorrow, if it does, thats the longest in years!!

Cheating is not cheating if he respects me enough to hide it...
What do you think of this statement?

Much love

Saturday, April 3

When it rains, it pours...

I didn't hurt anybody
i am living my life right
Yet its crumbling around me~!
 Lol i sound like such a drama queen right?
Believe me i am not. Its an act.
So my bank card got swallowed by the automated money machine
as if that was not enough
My laptop got shattered
It dropped and it broke completely
like dead. finito
i am not even making any noise about it, i refuse to be bothered
am just watching music videos
i even braided my hair, listened to music, read blogs, i have just been trying to be happy cos this is too much for one day.
Anyway what can i do, i am taking it in good faith
just like the saying  people in your life are like seasons, everything happens for a reason

"when it rains it pours"
i guess when the unfortunate things happen, they come big

I wonder what high school musical Nigeria will look like, i saw pictures of the cast, there were some cute ones,.. i wonder about the songs, will they all be in english? or will there be a bit of our languages here and there?
How will they dress, hope they dress like normal teenagers?
Normal accents, Barely there make up. I hope

On a totally unrelated issue, I think
Eva Mendes is absolutely gorgeous      
 Am chatting on bb with my boyfriends ex about my ex lol           
shes totally cool though    

So here are some pictures that crack me up :

 On jobs
 whatever happens in life
always remember that you are among the fortunate
and look for more reasons to laugh
Its been two years
Safiya JL
Id give anything to see your face
but i know u are in a better place RIP

current listen: Kirk Franklin- brighter day

Thursday, March 18

Wingless Words

I love Coldplay, i listen to them a lot
their words speak to me
So many contradictions, making you think in metaphors
they give me, peace-of-mind
they touch the pieces in me
"If you love me, u shud let me go"
go: Move away from what i know
No, thats what i tell myself, because you know i need you
And i love you, i just suck at expressing it
"Am i part of the Cure, or a Part of the disease"

My all time favorite line was from the song Rush of Blood to the Head
"Oh am gonna buy this place and see it burn, take back the things i did to you in return,
said am gonna buy a gun and start a war, if you can tell me something worth fighting for" 

Suddenly i dont like that line anymore.
It has lost its meaning to me. It sounds...violent 
Theres too much fighting already

 On a closely related issue...
Where did all the good girls go?
To a place called Home
A place where girls
are taught to love themselves, and imitate no one, 
demand and demonstate respect the minute they walk in that door

To a place called the past
Back when anxiety was as simple as wondering 
if Wonder woman would make it out alive
When Failure was as simple as failing Maths
When promises were as simple as Pinky bets
When 'Maybe' was an answer

Or maybe they went to the Future
Where a good man is hard to find
And a hard man is good to find
When Real eyes realize Real lies
Where u only say what you mean

How did we grow up so fast?

Wife of a Pharoah, Mother of a a Slave
Do you know what's worth fighting for? sticks and stones may break your bones
When it's not worth dying for?
if not, then use these words, for they will always teach you

Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?

When you're at the end of the road
And you've lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass
Nothing's ever built to last
(damn it thats a bummer, just how did i go wrong?)
just remember that you are strong
and if doesnt break you it will only make you funnier
and stronger

Listening to: K'naan - Wavin Flag

Friday, March 12

No Words, Another Jumble of words :)

Goodness, i am blogging again, after so long
No words can describe this feeling
It feels new to me. Its been a while
Well naturally am gonna blame it on school and twitter, yes twitter.
putting updates about what am up to every 30 minutes sort of makes blogging... (wait wait... i didn't say unnecessary)it makes blogging hard.
Okay now the real reason. Unveiled. Yeah,sweetness isn't an anonymous blogger anymore, so honestly, i just hold back.

I found interesting pictures (i say interesting due to lack of a better word)or should i call them clip shots from BANNED commercials, am sure i mentioned it sometime last year, i google up banned commercials for lack of anything better to do. lol. but seriously its not a joke
and am gonna be putting up these pictures as i go along, tell me what you think, are they really bad, overly suggestive or distasteful.

Then i came across these

No words can bring one poor soul back
Just Prayers.
Prayers for Peace, Understanding, Forgiveness and Humanity

I read eyes
I get withdrawn when i notice the slightest negative energy
I forget easily
I remember names of my teachers from Nursery school
I cant remember what i wore yesterday

I imagine my Funeral just like that
I have 5 scenarios of how i am gonna die
The first one was when i was 11

I dont watch Horror films

I honestly love my mom with every fibre in my being

I act like i dont know somethings just because.
I cry when i see old people that are helpless

I dont trust easily

I have terrible mood swings

I write Random things

I love old movies

My greatest fear is Cancer

I dont know what i'll term as my happiest day

I am addicted to the smell of unwrapped soap
I inhale washing detergent
I believe i get high on it
I cant leave Walmart without going to the detergent section

I make a thousand things up

I listen... to you talk

If you insist that i talk, i can talk about nothing - its a gift

I cry when i pray... and he forgives me

I will end up as a vegetarian


" Its gonna be on Visa please"
I can recognize a Nigerian Voice anywhere, its not just the voice its the accent, or maybe how we stress the 'gonna' and 'wanna' in our sentences.
And this particular voice, i knew a little too well, i looked up and of course it was her, looking on point as usual.
" Hi Sandra! " I said, some people have this effect of bringing out my ridiculously cheery alter ego, she was one of the few. That's cos she has this lively and bubbly personality, its almost infectious.
"Hows it going?" i asked, taking her card, newly manicured tips, bright red, like her lips bright red, some girls are blessed with pulling off things like these.
"OMG sweetness!, where have you been?" she gushed, pushing the fringe away from her face, it fell back again, covering her eyes again, she pushed it away one more time.
The smile on her face completely transformed her, the looked younger than her 22 years.
" I have been around, school... work" i said as i collected her card and punched in the amount i gave her back to punch her password
"yeah, same with me", she said, "i haven't seen you since Montreal"
" I know right.. I..."
I suddenly forgot what i wanted to say
I paused
I looked again
Then i saw it.
Scars, across her wrists, both wrists.
I stared. dumbfounded.
I've read about this a couple of times, but, someone as happy who looked as happy as her?
are you kidding me???
She looked up, saw what i was looking at and the smile faded, her eyes shifted, i met her gaze as she tugged her sleeves down.
No words
it wouldnt be enough
No words
The silence said alot
No words 
It wasn't an awkward kind of silence, it was a shocked one. You know, the one that suddenly stays in the room with you when you find out something u wish you didn't.
"see you around" or at least thats what i think she mumbled
 i watched her walk away, like anyone else
I couldn't find my smile for the rest of the day, i kept wondering
What on Earth could be so bad, that you would try to take your own life
And look how happy everyone thinks she is
Look how happy she makes the people around her
Who would have ever thought...