how can i begin to describe pain?
how can u stop pain?
so much pain that am so scared to cry
to disappointed to become weak
and to weak see da rainbow...
too hurt to love myself
its like watching everything start to break around you
its like all i have built is crashing in one storm
and i don't have the power to stop it
and i cant bring myself to accept it
to accept me...
so act like nothings wrong
i listen to everyone
i laugh at the jokes
and celebrate with the 'lucky ones'
they look at me and remark about how strong i am
i smile and tell them the lord is my strength
they comment on how slim and beautiful i look
and as i accept another cupcake i tell them that to get over the bad days
i joined the gym and i take yoga classes
now am home...
just me and my emptiness
i kick off my shoes
unzip my dress... and watch it slide down my thighs
i walk into the bathroom and take the pins from my hair
and stare into the mirror
the feeling comes again... so overwhelming
the tears rush down... its hard to recognize me
i find it hard to love myself
to forgive myself... and i gag
forcing everything out of my bowels
a routine act....
and i read that anorexia stays in the tabloids...
ha! it lives in my mirror...